Fin and Feather and Family.

For as long as I can remember, my little family of three (mom, sis, me) would take a summer vacation to a little lake resort called Fin and Feather. It is nothing super fancy, not a lot to do, and we never even went out onto the nearby lake. We just went to spend time together hanging out at the small pool, playing games in the arcade, roller skating around the campus, eating Oreo shakes at the grill, and taking long walks around the lake houses.

This year, the three Hart girls took a couple of new guests: the husband and the daughter! We had a lot of fun just spending time together in this little place we've grown to love so much. Here are a few pics from this low-key family vacation:

Family at the Fin.

Right after her first dip into the pool...she did NOT enjoy it. I kept telling her how cute she looked in her little swimsuit, but she was having none of that. ;)

Long day at the pool. Must nap on towels in the soda shop. Must look adorable. Done!

One of the only pictures in which my sister and I look very similar. I love this picture of the three of us.

Dad starting her out early on the golf course...even if it is of the miniature/inside-an-arcade variety. ;) She was a natural.

Lunch at a cute tea room inside of a cute antique store inside of a cute little town.

Chilling with Aunt Caitlin. The shades are a perfect fit.

Walking down to the lake. Such a pretty area.

My precious lady. I adore her.

Dinner with the fam.

Napping on Daddy in the Baby Bjorn after a long walk. She was exhausted. From doing nothing. What a life! ;)

My favorite girls in all the world.

It was a lovely trip with my family, and I can't wait to go back again next year. What memories we'll make.

:)

To Heal.

As I write this post, I am laying on my back on my couch, heating pad between my legs, doped up on Percocet. Fun times. I had surgery two days ago to try and repair the damage from giving birth, and my doctor and I are hoping that this time I will heal. (This is an awkward subject to put out there, so I shall leave out some details...you are welcome.) ;)

A few factors went into this problem of not healing: a very fast labor which we thought would lead to a very fast delivery--instead, there were three hours of pushing; a baby who had measured quite a bit smaller than her actual birth weight only days before her birth; the fact that my tissues want to grow outward instead of inward at the incision sight; the fact that the best way for me to heal is to lay down all day to relieve pressure...kinda hard with a baby at home.

This week, I went in for the second procedure to try and fix the problem, and it was a total reconstruction surgery this time. At least I got to be put under anesthesia...the best sleep I've had in months! Ha!

My thoughts are so jumbled today (probably due to the pain meds), but I find myself feeling very down and negative about this whole thing. I know that there are WAY worse conditions to have or problems to face, but I am really struggling with this. It has been over three months since my child was born, and I am still not healing. I can't sit on the floor and play with my baby, I can't go for walks to get some fresh air and try to shed these last few pounds, I can't be the wife I want to be to my husband or the mom I want to be to my daughter. No. Instead, I have to lay on the couch watching everyone else care for her. I have friends who have had babies many weeks after me that are already resuming normal activities, and I find myself childishly jealous of them.

I want to feel like myself again.

It also seems like I really haven't even gotten to fully take on the role of "MOM" due to how much I've had to rely on others to help me care for my child. I was in so much pain when I came home from delivering her that I had to have round-the-clock help, then I had to go back to work for about five weeks, leaving her with lots of different family and friends. Next, we had a bunch of vacations where I tried my best to share her and not be overbearing with family who wanted to bond with her. While I am so very grateful for such wonderful family and friends who willingly give of themselves to help us, it is hard to watch as they do the job that I want to be doing. And now...now I'm back to square one. Another surgery. Another six-week waiting period of restrictions. Another season of watching others care for my baby while I lay here doing nothing.

I am trying to be positive, hoping that this time around I will heal.

But it is kind of hard today. Today I am sad and frustrated and grumpy (apparently). Today I just want to jump off the couch, ignore the doctor's orders and GET GOING on my role as Mommy.

Ugh.

I realize that eventually I will get better, things will normalize, I will get to do all of the things that I want to do for my child, my husband, my family, my home, my life.

But today...

...today I am down.

Perhaps I should just embrace the sleepy pain meds and take a nap? Maybe I'd wake up with a better perspective and a happier attitude. ;)

Just being honest with what's going on in my little life these days. I so appreciate honest, open posts from others, even when the subject matter is sort of a bummer. Can I ask you to pray for healing for me? Again, I know that there are SO many harder, sadder, more life-altering situations in the world...but for our little family of three, this is hard. I would covet your prayers for healing.

And now...nap time.

At least I'm getting lots of sleep, right?? ;)

Five Years.

Five years ago, I knew he was a keeper.

Five years ago, I knew I'd found my best friend.

Five years ago, I knew he was the best man I knew.

(so I bought him at a date auction and we never looked back...!) ;)

Five years ago, I knew we'd be together for the rest of our lives.

What I didn't realize five years ago was just how much we'd help each other, fix each other, grow each other, pray for each other, mend each other, comfort each other, celebrate each other, and hold each other.

Five years ago today, I married my match, my friend, my love, my husband.

Here's to the next five, ten, twenty, fifty......years.

Together.

Happy anniversary, husband of mine.

26 feet.

That's the distance from our room to hers.

26 feet.

And it feels like an eternity.

Next week is 'the' week. It is the week we will finally move our baby girl out of our bedroom and into her own room full-time. She has been taking pretty much all of her naps in her room for quite awhile, but we have yet to put her in the crib overnight.

When I was pregnant, I thought I would have her in her own room by the six week mark, if not earlier. But then, I went back to work. I felt so very overwhelmed with all of the craziness going on that I just didn't want to add "crib training" to the list. I was returning to my job about 3-4 days a week, leaving Baby with a different babysitter almost every day. She was learning to go from bottle to breast and back again, and I was having to learn the ropes of pumping in public places (ick). Also, I sponsored the Senior class, and the month of May is packed full of events (graduation, etc.).

SO.

I just didn't think I could take on one more thing.

Then, we were gone on vacations the past three weeks, so I didn't really want to go from crib to pack 'n' play and back again, confusing Baby and her Mommy. ;)

Thus. Here we are.

We have one more vacation coming up, and after that trip, it is time for her to move on to her own room. And I find myself crying every single night as I sway her to sleep for the night in our room.

I think the reason I'm having such a hard time with the transition to her own room is because of all that this transition represents. I mean, for the first few weeks of her life, all we did was snuggle and snuggle and snuggle. I didn't really worry about schedules, routines, anything. I could have cared less. I told myself that I really didn't need to worry about those things until she was a bit older...you know, like around three months.

Well friends, that time has come. My baby is three months old now, and the time has come.

While I so enjoy each new phase and stage and development that comes her way, I find myself really missing the snugly days of her first few weeks. I know snuggling hasn't come to a complete end, but it is time to help her learn to sleep on her own, put herself to sleep 100% of the time, be in her own room, etc. These are all good things for her to learn, and I will not hold her back from these lessons simply because I want to keep snuggling.

But, wow. This is hard. Harder than I thought.

If I look ahead down this road of parenthood, I realize that each step on the path is structured to teach our children to become independent and resilient little beings of their own. Each time she learns something hard, like sleeping in her own room, playing on her own for a few minutes at a time, putting herself to sleep...all of these lessons are quite literally baby steps towards becoming a successful adult someday.

HOWEVER...no one told me how haaaaard it would be on Mommy to teach these life lessons! Wow. Makes me proud of her and hurts my heart to watch her grow all at the same time.

26 feet.

So short a distance, yet so very far away.

3 Months: A Letter.

Dear Baby E,

Seriously, I can not understand how three months of your life have already come and gone. I can't handle how fast time is slipping by. Your Dad and I take so many pictures and videos of you, because we feel like we are going to miss something...a smirk, a coo, a moment...any moment. We want to keep all of your moments forever.

And the almost-full memory card on our camera says we are giving it our best shot! ;)

You are changing so much each day, and here are a few of the things that have happened this month.

-Thumb vs. Paci: You reeeeeeally want to suck your thumb, but you just can't quite get it yet. You'll gag yourself sometimes, poke yourself in the eye sometimes, and then there are times that you'll just suck on your fist or fingers. You will take a pacifier every now and then, but you are not a huge fan. You don't always have to have either one to fall asleep, but it sure is easier on you if you do. You'll suck on the pacifier only during the day when it is about nap time, and you end up spitting it out after about ten minutes anyway. The thumb thing frustrates you, but I think you are on the verge of mastering the art of thumb-sucking. (Side note: within the last two or three days, you have started GNAWING on your little hands and drooling like crazy. Your grandparents think you are cutting teeth. We shall see......!)

-Singing voice: Each day, you are making more and more little noises. Most of these noises are low, raspy grunts or moans, but the other day you found the higher notes in your range. You SQUEAKED so loud, and you startled not only Mom and Dad but yourself, too! You've only squeaked a few other times, but I bet we'll start to hear lots and lots of different noises as you develop. You will smile and grunt back at people if they 'talk' to you, and usually you are very serious-looking as you tell your 'story' to us. You'll furrow your eyebrows as if to say, "Okay people, listen up. This is important." I love your sweet little voice.

(11 weeks...I got a late start on these pictures...oops!)

(3 months / 13 weeks)

-Sleeping: At this point, you are taking about 5 naps a day for about an hour at a time. You take all of your naps in your crib, except for the last nap of the day around dinner time. That's when Mommy holds you. My favorite time of day. :) At night, you are sleeping about 5-6 hours at a time, and you wake up once in the night for a quick 'dream feeding.' You go right back to sleep after that, and you'll stay down for about another 4 hours. You are moving to your own room in a few weeks (after we are all done with vacations...!), and I am interested to see how you fare on your own. Part of me is so very sad to move you out of the safe little cocoon of our room, but the other part of me knows that it is time. For what we had going on in our lives, it worked best for you to stay with us for a few months, but now it is time to move to the next phase. Oooh, trying not to cry as I write.

-Eating: You are eating about every 2-3 hours during the day still, and then you eat once at night. Wow, you are a fast eater! You only nurse for about 10 minutes on just one side per feeding, but you sure do guzzle it down! I was worried at first when you went down to just one side, but you are growing and content, so I guess you know what you need.

-A Mover and A Shaker: Baby, you are trying to roll over soooo hard! You'll swing your legs up and over....but then your torso isn't able to catch up in time! ;) We practice a lot, but you just aren't there yet. You are holding your toys and looking at your hands all the time. You will ball up your little fists and slooooowly bring them up in front of your face. Then, you'll just beam at your fists as if to say, "Hey! Look what I found! And they're mine!" It is funny when you go cross-eyed trying to keep up with your little hands. Another activity you love is when I sit you up in a chair or on the couch. I'll pull the ottoman over and sit in front of you as we just talk and sing and play. You give the biggest, most bashful smiles. If you get really smiley, you'll tuck your chin and hide your eyes with your little fists...a little flirt. ;) Your nose wrinkles up when you smile big, and it makes Mommy's eyes get teary when you get to smiling. I love it.

-Traveling Lady: This month, you have been on the move! You have gone to Mommy's hometown to visit many family and friends. Also, you went to Eureka Springs, AR with Daddy's family for a little getaway. I was nervous about how you would handle so much change and attention, and you were just a little trooper. You adapted so well, and I'm sure it didn't hurt that you were snuggled and smooched 24/7. ;) Your families love you, Baby Girl, and they were so excited to spend extended time with you.

-Baby Dedication and Mother's Day service: On Mother's Day, our families came to our church to see your baby dedication. We promised to love you and raise you to know and love our Lord. We promised to guide you and train you in the way you should go, and it was such a moving moment for me. Dedicating you to our God who made you and loves you and will protect and guide you--how wonderful.

-Other memories of this month: You love to listen to the birds on our walks. You use your toes to grab our faces and fingers...your toes are long! The pediatric dermatologist said your strawberry is nothing more than a cosmetic concern, and we've decided to not treat with lasers or injected steroids. We're going to let it run its course and shrink over time. We almost always hear that you look like Mommy, but people are starting to notice Daddy's features in you more and more the older you get. If I kiss your neck, you have the beginnings of a giggle. You still hate your swing. Uncle Riley played the guitar for you, and you were captivated. Somehow, you have dirt under your fingernails and toenails, and the other day I even removed a touch of toe-jam. How are you so dirty if you do nothing all day, Baby? ;) You really love being on your changing table, and you'll kick and squirm and smile the whole time. A favorite moment: when I nurse you, you'll hold my finger soooo tightly, and then, when you are all finished, you catch my eye and just beam up at me as if you are just realizing who was holding you the entire time. I love that moment. I would say you are pretty mellow and adaptable, and we've still only heard you SCREAM a handful of times...but when you are tired, you crater very quickly...! Your farts are quite loud, and they make the little lights on the monitor go alll the way across the range. Dad likes to sing "Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley to you. You open your mouth if we kiss you on the cheek...I think you might be trying to give kisses back. :)

And...

...you are so very loved. You are a precious gift from God that we did nothing to deserve. I pray everyday that you will be kept safe and protected from the world. My love, I would give anything to keep you from hurt and heartache, and Daddy and I will always be here to love you and hold you and be your biggest fans.

Happy three months.

You are the love of my life.

Love,

Mommy

Identity.

Just wondering...am I the only new-stay-at-home-Mom that went through a bit of an identity crisis upon quitting one job to begin another (ie-staying home)? I mean, for five years I was "teacher"...and now, I'm not. It might feel differently had I hated my job or been so so so ready to leave. I wasn't. To be honest, it was a hard choice for me to make whether to keep working and utilize day-care or to quit working and stay home with Baby. I felt a bit of guilt that my decision wasn't easier. Shouldn't I have just looonged to be at home all day every day with my little one? Shouldn't it have come more naturally to me to want to quit my job? I don't know.

All I know is that I covered this decision in prayer, thought, and wise counsel. My husband and I crunched numbers and came up with a very cautious and careful financial plan in order to make this happen. And I've set personal goals for myself in order to make the transition easier (for example, getting OUT of the house at least once a day, whether that means a walk around the neighborhood, hanging out with a friend, or driving into town to run errands.)

To clarify, I'm really loving being at home. It is new and different, but I enjoy this time with my girl. I feel like THIS is what I was meant to do...not that teaching was any less of a calling, but this new calling is so fulfilling. It is just taking some getting used to. Day by day.

I guess what I'm rambling on about is that I loved my job as a teacher. Finally, after five years, I felt I'd found my 'niche,' gained the respect of my colleagues, and really knew what I was doing. I wasn't nervous anymore. And now...now I'm a little nervous again. This 'job' is new. It is hard. It is draining. It is confusing.

But now that I've begun, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Does any of this make sense?!?

Weary Traveler.

We took the little birdie on her first road trip to my hometown to visit allllll the families this past weekend. I have to say that I was pretty anxious about this trip. You see, I have been working this past month after being home with Baby E for eight weeks on maternity leave. We've had various family babysitters helping us out for the past few weeks, and I was always worried that without Mommy, E would get off of her routine (eat, stay awake to play, sleep, etc). And, of course, she did great. Our family was so helpful in keeping her on track, and I have no idea what I was worried about.

However, I was a bit nervous about traveling with baby for the first time, AND I wondered how it would go having her sleep in a new place for the first time. We camped out at my Mom's house, and I must say that our little lady adapted quite well! Once again, our family was very accommodating, and (once I could pry her away from all the snuggly arms of various and sundry grandparents/aunts/cousins), Em would get right back to the routine.

Is it baby code to make Mommy worry and fret all for nothing in the end?? It must be. ;) Someone told me recently that they thought babies could 'read' their Mom's mood, meaning if Mom is nervous, so is Baby. At the time, I didn't think much of it, but after this weekend, I think it is true. I really tried my best to be relaxed, chill, calm, go-with-the-flow all weekend, and it seems my baby girl did the same. What do you think? Do babies have ESP or mood-o-meters!?!

We had so much fun visiting and showing off our precious lady, and she was so pooped when we finally made it home. (Not that I'm complaining...seven hours of straight sleep at night is FINE BY ME!!!!!)

Here's to more road trips with our little traveler! :)