Ever have one of those days where you just can't seem to stop yourself from being a bumbling idiot?
No?
Just me?
Well, I recently had one of those days. In a mere 3 hours, I was able to single-handedly semi-ruin a friend's surprise, offend a woman struggling with a mental handicap, and then follow along in yet another case of mistaken identity.
Let me explain.
Foot-in-Mouth Occurrence #1:
A good friend sent a text revealing her very exciting and much-prayed-for pregnancy, and I mistakenly assumed it was a group text sent out to all of our friends. (Commence the "you know what assuming'll getcha" jokes. Yes. I know. I DO feel like an ass!). Anyway, another friend came over minutes after I'd received the text, so I exclaimed, "So did you hear (friend's name)'s exciting news?!?!"
Her response: no.
Nope.
It was NOT a group text.
So then, not only did I feel like crap for ruining the secret, I also came off looking like a tool, touting the fact that I got the text and no one else did...which was NOT my intention AT ALL. I was just truly so excited. Gah.
Open mouth. Insert foot.
Foot-in-Mouth Occurrence #2:
After my pal leaves and I finish apologizing profusely to my secretly pregnant friend, I decide to get started on shopping for the week's groceries. Baby E and I head to our mecca: Target. As we're perusing the aisle of baby girl clothes (totally NOT on the grocery list, but what's a girl to do?), a pregnant woman pushing a little boy in a stroller tapped me on the shoulder. "Could you help me with something, ma'am?" she asked. Sure! The conversation proceeded as follows:
Me: "What did you need help with?"
Lady: "Well, could you tell me if it is cold here in February?"
Me: (semi-dumbfounded, thinking this is a question with an obvious answer...) "Oh, are you not from here?"
Lady: (blank stare) "Um, I've lived here my whole life."
Me: (even more dumbfounded and trying to recover) "Oh, ha ha! What, was it so cold last season that you just blocked it out of your memory? Ha ha ha..."
Lady: (dejected and beginning to walk away) "Never mind."
Me: (totally confused) "No, no, I'm sorry! I just thought... Wait! Please, let me help you with whatever it was that you needed!"
Lady: (pummeling me with guilt) "Well...I suffer from long-term memory loss, and I truly can't remember if it is cold in February. My baby girl is due then, and I was just hoping you could help me pick out clothes for her. Thanks though..." And she shuffled away, dejected.
GOOD GRIEF!!! I felt maaaaybe two centimeters tall.
Wow.
I did end up helping her a bit before slinking off to a hole in the ground in which to hide.
GEEZ.
Open mouth. Insert foot.
Again.
Foot-in-Mouth Occurrence #3:
After scooping up what was left of my dignity from the floor of Target, I headed to Hobby Lobby for my final errand of the day. Those of you that read this blog regularly already know where I'm heading with this final story. If not, you can read about my humiliation
here.
Yes. You guessed it. Older Lady Cashier strikes again.
OLC: "Oh Jennifer, your baby is getting sooo big! Come here ladies and look at sweet Jennifer's little baby. You know girls, Jennifer's husband is one of the greatest men I know. He works so hard for his family, and he has always treated Jennifer so good. I just love this little family!"
Three guesses as to what I did next.
Me: "Thank you! You are too sweet! I'll be sure to tell him you said so!"
Yep. I just went along with it. AGAIN! She has no idea who my husband is, and, while Russell does work hard for his family, she has no idea who she's talking about! I am so lame. I know. Leading this poor lady on like that.
Open mouth. Insert foot.
For a third time in three hours.
Needless to say, I went home and hid out the remainder of the day just to assure that I would neither spoil secrets, offend the hurting, nor role-play with the unsuspecting.
WHAT A DAY.
Gah.