The Email from My Dad.

A few weeks ago, my old email account was hacked.  After various and sundry naughty messages were sent out via my account to friends and family, I was forced to shut it down temporarily while waiting for a new password, etc.  Anyway, when the account was finally up and running once more, I realized I had lost most of the emails I'd filed away.  Granted this is an old account that I now only use when signing up for things online or making purchases, but I did have a few old emails from friends and family that I was sad to lose.

Mostly, I was sad to lose the messages I'd saved from my Dad.

After he took his life three long and short years ago February 26, I quickly stashed away the few emails from him that I'd casually left in my inbox.  They didn't contain any significant information.  Just a few funny forwards he'd sent my way.  Things like that.  I did have one HILARIOUS email he'd sent when he first starting taking a prescription sleeping aid to battle insomnia.  Oh my, the goofy gibberish and misspellings in that email alone had us all rolling each time we'd joke with him about it.  But it was gone along with the others, and that's all I'd had left of his written word.

While playing around with the settings on my account, I found a way to search for deleted emails, so I gave it a try.  The funny ones never came back, but an email I'd long since forgotten and deleted popped up.  After checking the date, I realized my Dad had sent it to me during my junior year of college when I was stressed out, taking 22 hours of upper level classes, and feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of graduating college earlier than I'd expected.

I clicked the email open with trembling fingers, and my breath caught in my throat.

Shaky tears started to find their way down my cheeks as I read the following words from my Dad:

Dear Erin:

Erin, my first-born daughter, my precious little girl.  I want you to know and carry these thoughts with you the rest of your life. I will ALWAYS love you. There is nothing in this world that will ever change that. No matter how much you mess up, I will still love you.  Erin, you will always have a special place in my heart and my life. Your old Dad will always be there for you. You are the prettiest girl I know and more importantly, you are a good person who deserves good things in her life. 

Ever since you were a little girl, you have been special. Bright eyes, curious mind, an air of grace about you. You have always made me proud of you. Hey, you even have your old Dad's personality. Even if you never achieve another thing in your life, I will still think you are the best.

Remember on that train in Europe when I said in front of everyone there that I wish I could be like you?  Well, I meant it.  You have nothing to prove to anyone. This is your life and only you can decide what it will be.

This is the advice section of this email:  Be true to Erin.  Don't engage in any activity that makes you feel unhappy. Always be as kind as you can be to others. Live your life to your own standards because when it comes right down to it, You are the only person who has to live with you the rest of your life.

I am very happy that you and I have developed a closer relationship over the years. That is sort of rare between Dads and daughters. Just know that there are many people on your team who love you.  Follow your heart and let people help you.

Now, go study and take care of business.  

Love you,  

Dad 

Friends, I can't tell you how much this email means to me now.  My Dad and I were not extremely close, and his choices did a lot of damage to his life and mine...but I choose not to live in that.  It took me a long time, but I made the choice many years ago while he was still alive to take the good and leave the bad.  That's the only way to move forward and not live in bitterness.

That's why this email is priceless to me.

It was an unprompted note from my only Dad meant to encourage and uplift and compliment and love on his eldest daughter.  Encouragement was not always my Dad's strong suit, so to have this written down and saved means so much to me.

He mentions our family trip to Europe with my step-mom, step-grandparents, and my sister.  On one very long train ride from London to Paris, we all went around the circle talking about favorite things, places, etc.  We shared very funny stories and very sad ones.  At one point, we went around the circle saying who we'd most like to emulate and why.  My Dad went last, and he surprised the group by quietly and thoughtfully saying he'd most like to be like me.  I remember his eyes getting misty as he told us how he admired my self-confidence, my genuine happiness, and my ability to make my own choices with confidence.  At the time, I was only 18, but I felt about a million feet tall.  My Dad admired me, and I will never forget that he said it.

I won't go into the details of our strained relationship, but know this: by the end, we had reached an understanding between us.  We had chosen extremely different life paths and beliefs, and he never could understand the source of my peace and happiness found in Christ.  But we found a way to respect each other and achieve peace about the past, and for that I'll be forever grateful.

I know he loved me.  And I loved him.

(My favorite picture of me and my dad and sis.  

Salzburg, Austria.  

Hugging as we walked.)

Take the good.

Leave the bad.

That's why I'll treasure this email.

Always.

(**Thank you, sweet readers, for being so supportive and understanding these last few years as I've walked through and processed this strange journey of losing a loved one to suicide.  I chose to share this very personal experience and email with you, because your encouragement has been so uplifting each time I open my heart to you.

If anyone out there needs help or knows someone who does, please don't hesitate to ask.  I'm no expert, but I've got a listening ear.  Here are other resources you might find helpful...)

National Suicide Prevention Hotline

To Write Love on Her Arms

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

5 Months: A Letter.

My dear Delia Jane,

Five months, come and gone already.  I can't believe it.  Not one bit.  I also can't even remember what our life was like before you became such an integral part of it all.  I truly can't imagine life without you, my love.  

(Your shirt reads, "I'm Kind of a Big Delia"...from our friend Ashlee.  So cute!)

Here are some of your achievements, milestones, and events of your fifth month!

Growth:
-You weigh 19.2 pounds and are 27 inches long!  You are such a big baby girl, and Mommy's arms can attest to that fact...heavy!  ;)
-These days, you are wearing 9-12 month clothes.

-Your hair is getting longer and fuller (mostly on top), and you can wear bows clipped into your hair!  Cutie.
-You wear size three diapers.


Eating:
-Delia, you are such a fast eater.  I can't stress this enough.  You nurse usually only one side and for maybe 5 minutes.  If I try to get you to eat more than you want...you bite.  Message received.  ;)
-During the day, you eat every 2-3 hours, and you wake up once to eat at night before going right back to sleep.  You still get a 'dream feeding' before I go to bed, but you have no clue anything's even happening.  Because you like to go to bed so early, the dream feeding is the only way I can sneak that last feeding in before I go to bed, too!  It's working for us, so we'll keep going.

-You started rice cereal a few days ago!  You don't quite know what to think about it yet, and it is pretty funny to watch you try and figure out this new texture on your tongue.  You'll roll the cereal around in your mouth, gag a little as it goes down, but then you'll open up for more.  Sometimes you try and squeeze your sweet lips closed really tightly so that I can't get another bite in, and it makes you sputter and spit as you also try to breath...ha!  Love it.

-What I do not love: rice cereal being sneezed back out at me.  OFTEN.  I think you plan it that way...  ;)
-Glory, hallelujah...you take bottles now!!!  Your Daddy has been practicing this with you over and over, and for some reason it finally took this month!  You might only have one or two bottles a week, but it does offer Mommy just a tad more freedom, plus your Dad likes the bonding time, too.  Hooray!


Sleeping:
-Delia, you have really formed such a good little sleeping routine, and I am so proud of you.  At this stage, you take four naps a day for about 30-90 minutes each.  The naps are starting to blend together a bit and will most likely continue to do so for a few months.  At night, you go to bed around 6-6:30pm, and you don't wake up for the day until around 7-8am.  I wish that I could get 12-14 hours of sleep at night!!!  I'm jealous of a baby.  ;)

-Your shorter naps are working for you as you almost always wake up happy as a clam and ready to play!  On the off chance that you didn't quite get all your sleep out, you'll fuss for a few minutes before conking out once again.

-When we are out and about, you are still able to nap at other people's homes pretty well, but the older you get, the more you prefer to be in your own bed.  I don't blame you.  :)

-Before we put you down, you get a new diaper, the fan is turned on, we rock you for just a minute or so with paci in place, and when your eyelids start to droop, you are placed in your bed to finish things up on your own.  You squirm into the "reverse C" position just like your big sister used to do (back arched, head tipped back, laying on side).  Not sure why this is comfortable, but you like to sleep that way.  And you are adorable, so who cares.  ;)

-Still can't tell if you are going to be a thumb sucker after all.  You like your paci, but you also like to suck on your fingers, fist and thumbs.  We'll see!

-This month marked the end of being able to sleep in the same room with you.  While in OKC to visit Mommy's family, we tried keeping you in our room in a pack-and-play, but you were way too interested in checking out what we were doing right there next to you.  I think we all got about 2 hours of sleep that night, so...no more bunking together.  It was fun while it lasted!


Play:
-My love, you rolled over for the first time this past month!  Just a few days after you turned four months old, you rolled from back to tummy while trying to reach for a toy!  Then, a few weeks later, you rolled from tummy to back quite a few times!  I have yet to catch you on camera (you are too quick...), but I will try!  You are so proud of yourself each time you roll over, but you also look very confused.  It's as if the world has suddenly flipped over--ha!

-This month, you have REALLY found your voice!  If you are getting sleepy or bored, you start to SHOUT at us for some attention!  It isn't a whine and it isn't a cry...it is truly a short, loud, assertive shout to make sure you are being heard.  Could this be a second-child thing...?  ;)

-You are getting so good at holding toys, passing them between your chubby hands, and shaking rattles and other noisy toys.

-While you are pretty wobbly still, you have started to get stronger in your core.  You can sit up straight for a little bit on your own before toppling over, and you are holding yourself up so well in your Bumbo, jumper and while being carried around.

-Most everything ends up in your mouth.  Toys, hands, clothes, everything.
-I've never seen so much drool in all my life.  ;)

-I absolutely love to watch your bright eyes dance about as you realize something is funny or entertaining.  You always look like you have a little secret to tell.  Your dimples are so yummy when your smile breaks through, and your deep belly laugh is my favorite sound.


Events:
-We celebrated your first Valentine's Day this month, and your Daddy made sure you felt very special and loved.  You and your sister are his second-favorite Valentine's...only behind Mommy.  ;)

-We've been over to play with our best buds a few times this month, and this last time, you actually noticed and smiled at your new friend, Lydia!  Your middle names are both Jane, so we've been calling you The Janes.  You two Janes are pretty darn cute together, if you ask me.  ;)

-While your big sis was away one weekend, your Daddy and I got to have a special Delia Date Day!  We all went shopping and out to eat together, and we were able to snuggle with you the entire time.  You loved the extra attention, and we loved the extra snuggles.

-Our little family traveled to OKC to visit your Nama and Aunt Schmoo, and we got to watch Schmoo get ENGAGED!  It was such a special trip.

Sweet Delia Jane, you are so peaceful and relaxed, you are smiley and bright-eyed, and you are the most snugly baby I've ever known.  I feel like we are buddies, you and me, and I love you more and more each day.  It makes me cry happy tears to watch you discover your little world, and I truly look forward to what God has in store for us in the months and years to come.

I'll love you forever,

Mommy

Lu-Ray Love.

I've never really been one to collect things.  I mean, I had my fair share of Barbies growing up, and if shoes count, then I am quite the curator.  ;)  However, during a perusal of a local antique shop a few years ago, I stumbled upon the most beautifully creamy green dishes and serving ware.  They are the 'surf green' color from the Taylor Smith & Taylor dish line called Lu-Ray, and I'm in love.  Something about the soft green/aqua color, I guess.  

There are dinner plates, salad plates, bowls of different sizes, cups, saucers, serving platters, and even little salt and pepper shakers.  My family has gifted me with many pieces, and I usually try to snatch up one or two when I go antiquing.  The green is hard to find (probably because it is so lovely), so my collection is far from complete.  But some of the fun is in the hunt, I'd say.  :)

Whenever I host anything in my home, I love to pull out as many Lu-Ray platters and bowls as possible to serve the food, and it makes me happy to eat lunch on one of my little salad plates each day (the big plates are pricey!).  I've used some of the large platters I was gifted as wall decor, and the creamy aqua/green goes perfectly with the rest of the house.  Love it!

Anyway, just thought I'd share my little 'collection' with you.  

What about you?  Collect anything?

You know.

Other than shoes...?

;)

She's Gettin' Hitched!

My teeny tiny baby sister got engaged this weekend.

(Okay, so she's not a baby anymore.  

She's 25.

I'm in denial, OKAY??!!)

;)

A very sweet, Godly guy has won her heart, and he won ours by letting us be involved in the engagement.  Brendon gets my vote for most well-planned engagement--we had maps and numbered instructions and everything!  It was endearing to see just how much thought he'd put into the whole thing.

He had the families waiting over a canal bridge in a pretty downtown area of OKC, and, after he and my sister conveniently meandered under the bridge, he had us unfurl a 30 foot long banner that read, "Will You Marry Me?"  Brendon had hired a photographer who snapped candids from the bushes along the canal, and all of the family screamed and hollered like crazy as he got down on one knee and presented my (teeny tiny baby) sister with a gorgeous ring and a precious proposal.  We all took pictures, cried, and then laughed at just how much work (and white lies...oops!) had gone into creating this surprise for Caitlin.  It was unbelievably romantic and sweet and memorable.  And I am SO glad I got to take part in it all.

Love them.

Now...it's time to plan a wedding!  WOO HOO!

(Side note: WHERE was Pinterest when I was planning MY wedding!??!)

;)

I'll keep you posted on ye ol' wedding plans....it's gonna be fun!!!

:)

Retiring.

Well folks, I think it's time to officially retire from the cake biz.  I took off a few months after Delia was born, and I've found myself continuing to turn down rather than accept new clients and cake orders.  To be quite honest, I'm pretty torn about this decision.  Let me explain.

(One of my first cakes.  Fall basket with mums and leaves.)

(Valentine's Day cookies.  I think one year I made over 600 cookies for Vday.  Sheesh!)

When my husband and I were newlyweds, we had just moved to a new town where we knew not a soul, and he decided to go back to school at night to pursue a different career path.  What did that mean for little ol' me?  Lots of evenings spent alone in a new town with no real solid friendships yet.  I was very bored and very lonely, so I signed up for cake decorating classes!  I had always loved school and learning (nerd alert....!), so I thought the cake classes would be a fun way to pass the evenings until my new husband returned from night school.  I spent my evenings elbow-deep in butter cream icing, and my classmates were all at least 60+.  It was awesome.  They were my little adopted grandmothers in a town of strangers, and I had such fun chatting away with them while we decorated our sad little cakes.  ;)

(First attempt at a carved cake.  It was supposed to be a guitar...but it ended up looking more like a eukelele.  Thank goodness it was for my sweet friends who were very understanding...!)

(One of my first wedding cakes.  The bride wanted HOT pink, black, and swirls.  I was SO nervous to do weddings.)

As time went on, I decided I might actually not be too terrible at this skill, so I continued signing up for the next higher level class and the next and the next.  When I was finally finished, I had learned a whole new skill set, and I'd found a way to pass the time while getting involved in my new town and church.  Through word of mouth, I began selling cakes and cookies to friends and family, and the people in my life were so sweet to funnel business my way.

(Cupcake orders were some of my favorites!  Little mini cakes all lined up and ready to go.)

(Fourth of July cake.  This was one of my first long-trip deliveries, and I was a nervous wreck the entire drive!  We made it okay.  And by 'we'...I mean me and the cake.)  ;)

(Mod baby shower cake.)

I blinked, and five years of decorating cakes and cookies had gone by!  I had built up quite a little business of sugary concoctions, and I found myself having to turn down clients because I was too busy!  Who would have thought?!

(The Cat in the Hat / Green Eggs and Ham baby shower!)

(My very first wedding cake made for my sister's very best friend.  Can you say PRESSURE?!  It turned out just like she wanted, and this cake ended up in Oklahoma Bride's magazine!  Craziness!)

After I had Emery, I knew that I would finish up that year of teaching high school, and then I desired to stay home and raise my little baby.  It was QUITE a roller coaster of emotions as I tried to find my place in this new world of mine.  One day, I was a working woman, and the next, I was staying home with a baby. Identity crisis, anyone?!  ;)  And, to tell you the truth, my little cake decorating business really helped bridge that transition.  I still had something to do that wasn't "just" about being a Mom 24/7, not to mention it really did help us pay the bills and have some money to use for guilt-free fun.  Having a husband seeking his doctorate degree is not cheap, folks!  ;)  Also, decorating cakes helped me continue to flex my creative muscle.  Every single cake was different, and every single client wanted something new, original, and creative.  It was stressful at times, but it was oh so very fun.

(Aqua and orange graduation party cake.)

(Monster energy drink cake...don't tell the client, but I misspelled 'engineering' the first time around...oops!)

(Probably my favorite wedding cake of all.  Such a classy idea by the bride, and I loved her mix of elegant pearls with rustic decor--check out the cake stand made from a tree trunk!)

However, as Emery grew older, I found myself getting overly frustrated with her on the weekends that I had booked cakes, especially wedding cakes.  She wasn't doing anything different those weekends; she was just being her little baby self.  The difference was that I was very busy and very stressed and very anxious.  Being a one-woman operation meant that one cake could potentially take up my entire week with shopping for supplies, baking and chilling the cakes, preparing icings, decorating and then delivering the cake.  In the midst of that, I realized that my number one priority (my little girl) was getting shoved to the back.  I would be extra crabby and extra impatient with her, not to mention how much help I needed in babysitting when I'd book a large cake or two.  It just became more than I could handle without sacrificing time with my girl.

(Construction zone cake for one of my favorite clients.  :)  The edible 'dirt' was a hit!)

('Fabric' rosette cake for another one of my favorite clients. :)

I took time off after Delia was born, and I wanted to see if I thought I could maybe start back up, slowly but surely.  My husband and I really prayed about it, because it was very important to me.  After a lot of praying and thinking, I decided it just wasn't the right time to continue with the biz.  My babies are only babies for the blink of an eye, and I really don't want my extra endeavors to distract me from them.  Now, I'm not saying I am ONLY 'Mom' and I ONLY do/care about/focus on/am interested in my children.  Far from it.  But I found myself getting unnecessarily annoyed with my precious girl, and that was not okay with me.

(Zebra print for a 12 year old's birthday party.  Wild!)

(Black, white and red wedding cake.)

(Stegosaurus cake....grrrr!)

SO!  For now, I am retiring from decorating cakes.  It was such a pleasant and encouraging endeavor, and I really do believe God used it for good in my life during that five year season.  Working on cakes and meeting clients helped bridge the gap between full-time working woman with no kids to full-time Mommy of two.  :)

(This wedding cake wins the award for most time consuming...but the end result was so stinking cool that it was all worth it.  Creative bride!)

(Cubs cake for some baseball loving clients.)

('Black, white, and red all over' wedding cake.)

Thank you all for being so supportive and helping to get the word out about my Caked blog.  I so appreciate your encouragement in this little biz of mine, and I can't thank you enough.  I will very much miss making cakes and thinking up new ideas, but for now, those efforts will be put to an even better purpose--my girlies!  Oooh...maybe I'll use my giveaway budget from the now-closed Caked blog on here, perhaps...!  We shall see!  ;)

Anyway, thanks for reading.

So long, butter cream.  It was a fun ride.

:)

Belly Times.

Hope you took the chance to spread some love today.

Happy Valentine's Day, friends.

Or, as Emery's been calling it...

...Belly Times Day.

:)