The longer I am a mother, the more the mysteries of the world begin to unfold. With my years and years (2.5) of seasoned wisdom, I am beginning to see the world with new eyes, and those secrets once shrouded in a veil of mystery are starting to become focused and clear. Shall I share the truth and wisdom I have gleaned with you, dear reader?
Mystery #1: Why do mothers wake up at ungodly hours in the early morning?
Because they can't make it stop. After months of sleepless nights during pregnancy followed by months of middle-of-the-night newborn feeding schedules followed by sporadic mid-sleep illnesses and toddler potty-related wake-up calls, I believe mothers lose the ability to sleep in. (They do not, apparently, lose the ability to hyphenate.) Their bodies now operate on a different time table, and 'sleeping late' means 7:30am. Maybe 8:00am, if you took NyQuil before bed to fight that toddler-bequeathed cold. If, for some magical reason beyond the realm of belief, a mother still retains the ability to sleep in past the wake-up time of her children, she usually regrets not rising before the household. Being startled awake by the crash of wooden puzzle pieces on the tile floor does not a pleasant morning make. Thus...
Wisdom #1: Get up before the kids. It's your only hope. ;)
Mystery #2: Why do mothers always get stuck doing the cooking during the holidays? Shouldn't they take a day off?
Because if you are cooking, someone else is entertaining your kids while you do so. This buys you at least an hour, maybe more if you also offer to do the dishes. ;)
Wisdom #2: Offer to cook. It's like a mini-vacation.
Mystery #3: Why do mothers seem to run on coffee and still crash into bed at night?
Because, dear reader, it is the nectar of life. With coffee in your veins, that spilled jar of glitter doesn't seem so spilled, the pee pee accident doesn't seem quite as gross, and the 37th request for a Veggie Tales video doesn't grate on your eardrums quite as much. Post-coffee-consumption, lists get made, laundry gets laundered, homes remain semi-clean, and the mid-afternoon couch crash is kept at bay. In our house, Mommy is WAY more fun and sing-song-y and ready for dance parties once her blessed low-fat soy mocha with caramel has been downed. We call it Mommy's Medicine. Indeed. The best of medicines. (You can trust me. I'm married to a pharmacist.)
Wisdom #3: Coffee. It's what's for breakfast...and lunch...and maybe even for an afternoon 'snack,' you know, depending on the day. ;)
Mystery #4: Why did my mom like to drive with the radio off when I was growing up? Why does she (and my MIL) still do this now, years after their children have left the home?
Because it is therapy for your ears. Sometimes, like when you feel like poking out your eardrums with sharpened pencils, it is good to drive in silence. You know, to try and focus on the road ahead and staying alive and all that. A real luxury? Driving in the car in silence AND completely alone. That right there is a real treat for mothers, folks. A little vacation for the ears.
Wisdom #4: Stay alive. Keep eardrums in tact. Turn off the kiddie Bible songs for one car ride.
Mystery #5: Why do moms lock the bathroom door upon entering?
Wisdom #5: Because.